A couple of weeks ago my son came home from school a little down. He told me that he didn’t want to go to school anymore and that he didn’t have any friends. In that moment I chalked it up to a bad day on the playground. Then the next night, another mother mentioned a birthday part that her son (they are in the same class) went to this past weekend. At first it didn’t register but then when we were getting ready for bed, Eph made a comment that put 2+2 together and I realized what had really been bothering him. He hadn’t been invited.
Knowing now what was really hurting him, I asked a few more questions to see if I could get him to tell me himself. When I mentioned not being invited to the party, he immediately teared up and told me that he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t have any friends at school. As we talked more, I could tell how really hurt he was by not being included. He had even come up with “reasons” on why he hadn’t been invited. All of which he had concocted in his mind and none of which were probably true.
It hurt me to know that he was hurting over not being invited to his friend’s party. [Trust me when I tell you, the whole situation hit a little to close to home that week. I really had to question if I was imparting my hurt feelings on to him or if he really was upset.] But after we talked, I could tell he was truly upset. Part of me wanted to get all mother bear on these other Mom’s who knowingly send invitations to the school but don’t invite all the children. Then I started to wonder why Eph wasn’t invited.
So, I reached out to the teacher, cautiously (knowing that she is not the 1st grade social director) and hoping for the best, to see if Eph was having any social problems at school that would be causing him to not be invited to his peers birthday parties. His teacher met with him privately and asked him about his friendships at school, to which he responded positively. She also told me that he does great at school, has plenty of friends, is never alone and that she has no concerns about his social behaviors. Whew, crisis averted I think.
At this point, I can only suffice that he just didn’t make the cut when it came to the party list. Eph had 10 of the 12 boys in his class come to his party and they all had a great time. So obviously people enjoy him enough to celebrate his big day. I think these two situations were just unique because he felt that he was closer to these boys than they feel towards him.
After I heard back from Eph’s teacher, he and I snuggled up and we talked about friendships and hurt feelings. I took time to help him identify the kids he plays with at school and to point out how many kids like to play with him. I also emphasized his own worth and gave examples of what a great friend he is to others. After our talk he seemed to feel better and he hasn’t brought the situation up since.
It is hard to see your kids get the first taste of being excluded. I hope that I handled this life lesson well enough that the next time it happens he can just brush it off and move on knowing that even though it hurts, it doesn’t change him or those who love him.
Thanks for this post! I do tend to project my hurt feelings at times. I try not to but sometimes can’t help it. We deal with rejection a lot but I try to teach my daughter that she is a good person and deserving of friends. I can’t believe how mean kids can be sometimes though. Also, I refuse to send invites to school if I can’t invite the whole class. That actually is a school policy but some people don’t read the handbook.
Michelle,
We sent our invites to school but boys only. I think that is fair because no one is left out. I agree that it should be a policy. I would never expect Eph not to talk about his party, so we invite everyone.
I think you handled things so well. These are the worst situations as a parent when your heart just aches for your child and you can’t “fix” things. Sorry you could relate as well.
Mindy..hope you are feeling better 🙂 I hope I did. It’s so hard to see kids get their feelings hurt.
You are such a good mommy! I think you handled it well. When I was a teacher, you could not send invitations to school without inviting the whole class. If you wanted to have just a few people, they had to be mailed out and it shouldn’t be talked about at school. I’m sorry he felt excluded. Even as an adult, sometimes I feel that way. It’s a tough feeling to learn about.
I wish that was the policy. I did boys only for Eph’s party and I think for 1st graders, that is ok. The teacher told me that there hasn’t been any parties were all the kids were invited. I can’t imagine doing that to someone else’s child.