When I became pregnant with my first child, I desperately wanted a boy. I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother and was fearful of what kind of mother I would be to a little girl. I was desperately scared to bring a daughter into the world and I am certain that if the doctor had announced that the baby was a girl, I would have burst into tears right there on the table.
From the moment he was handed to me, I was in love. He was my little man and I loved having a boy. There is just something special about the Mother/Son relationship.
When we found out we were having another boy, I was a little surprised. Not happy, not disappointed. Just surprised. I thought for sure that this miracle would be another girl.
Other than the whole “starting over” issue (clothes, blankets blue stuff), I haven’t really thought about what is would be like to have another boy in our lives. I also hadn’t thought about the fact that my little man was no longer going to be the only little guy in my life.
That is until last night.
Our neighborhood hosted a outdoor movie night. Our huge community lawn was filled with people and the kids had all gathered on a blanket a little further away from the adults.
About half way through the movie, Eph looked back and saw me sitting all alone. He came over to my blanket and snuggled right up next to me. Then he looked at me and asked me if I was sad sitting by myself. I told him I wasn’t but he said he didn’t want me to be alone so he planted himself basically on top of me.
My heart melted.
I leaned into his now 8 year old self, running my fingers through his thick blond hair and rubbing my hands down the length of his back, I realized that this was the last few days that he was going to be my only little boy.
I tried to hold back the tears but it is bittersweet to know that in just a few days, the little man that originally stole my heart would be joined by another little boy. I know I am created to love more than one child but it feels so different than when I had my daughter. The feeling is almost like a little pang of guilt mixed with a tiny bit of betrayal.
Of course he doesn’t have any clue how much I truly love him nor does he really understand that special place he holds in my heart. However, I do wonder how having another boy, my last baby, will impact his life.
He will always be my first and my guess is that he will always hold a very special place in my heart.
Even if he isn’t my only little boy anymore.
He is going to be such a great big brother! I’m so excited to *meet* your new little man. Praying for a smooth and safe delivery.
Mel, you know as a mother if only a little boy and felt exactly the same about having a girl, cried all the way through this. So happy for you. Once he’s here you’ll know all is complete! Thinking of you over these next few days!
This is beautifully written and makes me think I should have a boy. 😉 Eph and Lu are lucky littles!!