The story went something like this.. The writer and her daughter were standing in line at a local ice cream shop. There was a young girl and her mother in the line ahead of them. First the child was upset because her ice cream was in a cone, so the mother asked for it to be put in a bowl. Then the child was upset that the ice cream was in a bowl so the mother asked for it to be put back on the cone. The kid working seemed flustered and the mother threw a dollar at the person saying, “I give up” all the while the child threw a fit. The daughter of this leader said to her mom, “Did I ever do that?” To which my friend replied, “No, because there would be no ice cream for you.” and then she ended the post with this comment, “Parents we need to be parents”
There were multiple “Amen’s” and “likes” on her post.
So I chimed in.
It makes me sad that we automatically assume that this is a bad parent. This poor child could have just come from the hospital from seeing a dying grandparent or just lost their dog. Or they might have sensory issues. We just don’t know.
I was hoping to provide a little grace to this mother. Because we have ALL been there and it is presumptuous of us to assume that this mother was just basically a bad mother because she still let the child eat ice cream after throwing a fit.
More likes and more amens for the original poster and multiple posts disagreeing with me.
Then the writer tagged me directly, “I am just trying to teach my daughter about being a good mother and I really like what I am seeing.”
So, once again, we have the “Good” Mom vs. “Bad” Mom situation.
No grace for the exasperated mother. No consideration into what might be the underlying reason that this mother let her child have a hissy fit and STILL get ice cream. What I saw in this post is judgement. I didn’t see it as a lesson for her daughter because the comment specifically ended with “Parents, we need to be parents.
Pure judgement. Zero grace.
Maybe it was just me but I felt more than a little condemned. I took her comment personally. The truth is, I give in a little too easy sometimes. I have never left a full grocery cart in the middle of an aisle because my child was crying over a candy bar he didn’t get. I have never asked for a meal to be packed up and left a restaurant because my child was acting a fool. I accept the fact that my older ADHD, Sensory Sensitive kid will sometimes have a melt down just because he is too tired and has trouble expressing his needs when his brain is struggling to just process the normal stuff. Sometimes, he still gets the treat because he deserved it and because we don’t take away something that has already been earned.
I know there are people who will disagree with me. Who think parents these days are too soft. Parents aren’t acting like parents any longer because they are trying too hard to be “friends” with their kids. Maybe that is true but what I see from so many fellow Christians is too much “good” parent vs. “bad” parent comments and not enough grace.
Instead of publicly shaming this mother as a “teaching moment” for us, apparently inept parents, that we withhold our judgement and provide a little grace. Give that exasperated mother the “I have been there” look. Smile warmly at the child. Offer a compliment. Show love. Withhold condemnation. You just never know what is happening in that family’s life.
As the Facebook comments towards me became extremely pointed and judgmental, I chose to remove my comment and leave the conversation. Standing in the judgment seat helps no one. Showing love, kindness and grace to the exasperated parent can make all the difference in the world.
So, if you happen to see my kid get a bowl, cup, cone or all three after throwing a fit, take a minute and say hello. I will be the mother at the table that just needs a little grace.
Raising kids is hard and grace is all I have.
I would join you at the Grace Table. I also struggle with a child that is extremely “whiney” honestly and very prone to fits. I also won’t take back a treat that was previously earned. I remember those “before kids” talks with my husband about how one of us would sit in the car with our kids if they “ever threw a fit like that!” HA! And double ha! It’s not always that cut and dried. I think a better lesson would have been, ‘Well, we have all sinned and fallen short. Even if you never acted like that. Have you ever felt that way in your heart? Because I know I have! Thank goodness Jesus loves us and meets us where we are!”
OH Jutta! I wish that I had those eloquent words on the day of the FB posting. When my Mom died in July we were in a resturant and Lu couldn’t make up her mind about ANYTHING. I was frustrated. She was frustrated. We were both grieving. She was having a fit. The manager of the very busy restruant came out with a free milkshake and a t-shirt for her. He told her she was beautiful and what a “nice” family we had.
He had no clue about what was happening but he truly didn’t see us as bad parents or her as a bad kid. It just touched me so much. I was sad to see this church leader write such a post.
Thanks for coming to the Grace Table. 🙂
Thank you for being willing to present another voice. I am a mom of three, 11, 17 and 21. While my children are strong willed I have been blessed with relatively obedient children. I believe it to be a direct blessing from God and less of my or my husbands doing. I have taught Mommy and Me classes for the last 6 years and I can tell you parenting comes easier to some than others and some children are just challenging. I would encourage these critical moms to be thankful for the blessings God has given them in their parenting abilities and/or in their children’s ability to behave. Know that there are moms out there struggling to do the right thing and offering them kindness, guidance, and love can go a long way!!
Sad that this came from any mother, let alone a church leader. I agree with you whole heartedly! My daughter is 2 and sometimes she has days like these where she flip flops between what she wants, or who she wants in a matter of seconds. Usually these happen if she is tired. As a stay at home mom those days are the most exhausting and draining for me. And sometimes in those moments, it’s easier for every one to try to make her happy. I always like the phrase, choose your battles. Great post!
Oh man. We have all had these days! I remember when my son was just a newborn (a few months ago!) we were taking my daughter to the zoo because she’s old enough to not want to sit at home all day just because mommy has a newborn, haha.
My poor son. We found out that day that he really hates the wind, and it was a slightly breezy day. So the poor dude was just sobbing away. There were four of us, my husband and I, and our daughter’s best friend’s parents, and we all took turns holding him so that we could all enjoy our children at the zoo. He was very well taken care of, full belly, clean diaper, but every time wind touched his little face he started wailing. It’s sort of comical looking back.
Anyway, pretty much the entire time we were there it was just judgment after judgment. I was judged for taking him out when so little (you know, in a carrier with a hood over his little head), for letting him cry, for not being able to fix him immediately, for going to play with my daughter while someone else held my son. Bleh. At a zoo! Everyone there had children and I’m sure had been through the same thing.
It was really disheartening, and it really pushed me to not want to bring my children out in fear of more judgment.
Thank you for this post. I hope it reaches someone who was once rude to an exasperated mommy and will never be that way again. We have all had crying babies.
Beth Ann recently posted…Dear Daughter (8/29/14)
I loved reading this post. MY son has yet to reach the age where he’ll be throwing fits and such but I need to remember to ‘be a parent’ for the future of those times. And no matter what you do, everyone and anyone is going to judge your circumstance. I try and tell myself…I am the mom and I know best!
I agree, we all want to judge without knowing the story. I always try to keep an open mind.
I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I sometimes struggle with judging other parents, but I am in no way perfect. In fact, I’m having a pretty rough day today and if someone on the outside were to see us, they’d probably think I was a bad parent. Offering grace (and compassion and empathy) is such a powerful thing, and I want to thank you for reminding me of that.
Totally agree- don’t judge when you don’t know the whole situation. Parenting is so hard!