I have been trying to come up with a title for this post that won’t cause all the creeps in the world to find their way to my blog. So if you are one of those creepy people, you can leave now. Nothing here to see.
What I really wanted to entitle this post is – “My Daughter is a Topless Wonder” or “Daughters Gone Topless” – However, it seemed slightly salacious and inappropriate for a post about a 4 year old who has decided that she just doesn’t want to wear a shirt anymore.
About a month ago, my 8 year old learned that is just fine for boys to go shirtless which resulted in him basically being naked from the waist up ALL THE TIME. The fall out of this knowledge is that my 4 year old is also wanting to express her independence by running around the neighborhood topless. (not literally people, just the yard but you know what I mean.)
Unfortunately, her new independent streaking stage is about to send my husband over the edge. He absolutely can not stand her being outside in nothing but a sparkle skirt. Not to mention that she is sneaky. She goes outside fully clothed but then you take a peek out the window there she is in all her glory streaking by on her Cinderella bike. {fortunately we have moved past the stage in which she constantly took off her panties because I am certain the hubby would have her locked in a tower.}
This whole topless thing has become a source of contention between us because as passionate as he is about her wearing a shirt, I am just as neutral. In my mind she is simply expressing her (limited) independence and asserting control over her body. I feel strongly that she is learning that SHE has the right to make decisions about her physical being and not have them forced upon her(except in the case of safety). He feels that we need to be teaching her modesty and that means wearing a shirt at all times. I am just not as concerned.
Needless to say we are at an impasse.
As a Christian, I truly do believe in making sure that my daughter understands the importance of modesty. We ALWAYS wear shorts under our skirts. She doesn’t own a pair of “booty shorts” or any mid-driff type tops. She doesn’t even have a bikini. However, I think her need to go topless has less to do with her preference in clothes and more to do with her innate desire to make her own choices.
Plus there is an issue of self image. There will come a time that she will be worried about how she looks and what she thinks others see in her. The fact that she has no problem being free is good and healthy and normal. Society will eventually impose it’s own perceptions on her and by being allowed to assert some control at age 4, just might help her feel less inclined to let peer pressure get the best of her at age 14.
So whats a mother to do?
At this point I am going to try to reach a happy medium with the husband. Topless in the house and clothed outside. I am going to have a conversation with Lu about modesty and why girls and boys are different and I am going to have a talk with my son about why he should be wearing a shirt outside. If I am going to impose some rules on them, I want to make it fair all around.
And when it’s all said in done, I hope that Lu will understand that her body is something special and going topless isn’t as fun as it seems.
If all that fails, I will go buy her a new princess dress because princesses never go topless. Except Ariel and she at least is wearing shells.
Not sure this is much different than Kenny wearing dresses. It was about 4yrs when I told him -in the house is fine. Outside not fine. I was so very torn about it. Ultimately it was about appropriate behaviors in our culture and the roles that we as parents should be teaching them per my understanding of God and His teachings. Also told my daughter same thing about her shirt and underwears. Similar conversation but this was geared more about protecting herself from people in the world with bad intentions with little kids and no one should be seeing those private parts other than “–“. Perhaps the teaching for Kenny is about protection too? Hmmmm. Ultimately it’s about doing what we think is best for our kids. Easier said than done sometimes and a happy medium is good for all. Job well done I say!
I love this post, Melanie. I struggle with some of these things as well. I think my favorite part is that you are talking about modesty with your son and daughter. I’ve been really disturbed by all of these over-the-top, hard-line messages to girls about modesty lately. I also find the messaging we send to boys about modesty frustrating. I absolutely think you are right about her motives here and that she needs to exert control over her own body and make decisions about modesty that are meaningful to her as she grows.
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I like that you are going to keep it even by making Eph wear a shirt outside too. You’re a good momma! My husband is also very concerned with how our girls dress (no bikini’s and no spaghetti straps! Prude!) 😉 I understand where Chris is coming from though, truly.
It made me a bit sad when you said that eventually society will impose it’s own ideals onto sweet Lu, because you’re right. I wish that no matter what our girls would KNOW their worth and beauty because they are daughters of the King.
My sister always let her kids go nude whenever they wanted. It made my husband uncomfortable to visit them. I didn’t think it was a big deal because they weren’t in school yet and they lived in the country. The issue was more problematic when my niece would try to disrobe in public! (Specifically, my brother-in-law was being filmed by the local news station for “feeling safe from sexual predators in the community” and my niece was in the background stripping!)
Don’t ALL kids go through a nude phase? I know I sure did! 🙂
And am I the only one who thinks that it’s unfair for society to think that it’s OK for men to go shirtless, but not so much for us… I’m not saying that I think we should go topless because I don’t I’m just grrr’ng at society’s double standards.
I agree! I don’t like him being shirtless either but there is definitely less of a stigma with regards to boys than girls.
Sometimes Baby C likes to go bottomless and run around the house saying she has super powers. We haven’t gotten to the topless stage yet. I like your tips on how to handle it though. Good luck!
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Yeah, Eph was naked his whole 3rd year. I am not sure what to make of this whole topless thing.
Eeek! Right now I only have a boy so I’m not sure how I would deal with this. I don’t allow my son to run around without being fully dressed, so I don’t think I would let my daughter if I ever have one. I would buy pretty dresses so she would WANT to wear them. 🙂 Good luck.
Yikes, worried that this is in my future. My daughter is 3.5 and so far no battles about not wearing clothes. My husband and I are both very conservative with what our daughter wears. Most of her clothes are hand-me-downs from various families and if there are some we don’t feel are appropriate for her to wear, we get rid of them. For instance, short shorts, dresses above the knee (this is hard because our daughter is tall, so clothes that would fit an average 3 yr old, end up looking too small on her). She sometimes wears sleeveless dresses, but always has a t-shirt on underneath and always has shorts on under a dress/skirt.
What annoys me is that my husband will not let me paint my daughters finger nails (or even her toe nails!) He says she’s too young. I see no harm in doing it. But, I agree with him 100% on clothing, thankfully.