When I was pregnant with my daughter, I swore up and down that I would not pay for another baby. That I would leave it in God’s hands and trust that if he wanted us to have another that he would provide. So here I am, 2 years out from the birth of my beautiful little girl and I am filled with that desire for more.
I am technically infertile, which sounds funny coming from someone who has two children, but I am unable to conceive without the direct intervention of a doctor. I have a fairly unknown disorder called Luteal Phase Defect. I won’t go into all the details but basically it means that I have a shortened cycle and that I very high chance to miscarry in the first 10 days after conception. Of course, you don’t even know you are pregnant in that window but basically that is what happens.
When I was a young child, I dreamed of having a big family. I used to tell people that I would have a barn full of cats and kids. I had a zillion stuffed animals and baby dolls that were all named. I loved them all and spent my days playing house, school, and most importantly Mom.
Like most women I assumed that child bearing would be easy for me. Little did I know that I would be the one crying out to the Lord for that little pink cross to appear on a stick. And like I said earlier, I really thought that having my daughter would still the longing for more children. However, once again that strong desire to have another baby is there. I see pregnant women and new little babies and stare in awe at the miracle of their lives.
The bible says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) If the Lord places with in me the desire to bear children then shouldn’t I trust that He will provide?
It is such a slippery slope between infertility treatment and faith. God has provided for me wonderful doctors, successful treatments and beautiful children through infertility interventions. Should we not continue to walk in faith down that same path? Does paying for my children somehow weaken my praying for them?
Our journey has been long and while we rested in the His answers I once again find myself praying…”Oh, God, is there another one for me? What paths and answers should I take? Where oh, where God is my fertile soil?”
And and always, he is faithful in his answers… “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12:12)