In my new identity as a parent of a “special needs” child, I am continuously annoyed by parents regular use of the word “thrive” when discussing their children. It happened the other day when I dared to venture out into a cochlear implant discussion. The parent that was 100% against the use of sign language lambasted me and then finished her post with “and he is thriving.”
Ughh!
I hate the word thrive. It is such a strange way to describe a child. I would never see someone say, “oh my son is just thriving.” It creates this weird kind of competitive feeling. Or even worse, the feeling that my child is doing better than yours.
My middle child was labeled “failure to thrive” due to her significant medical concerns and weight gaining issues for the first 6 months of her life. This kind of “thriving” is so different from how I see parents of today’s deaf children use it. She was sick. Very very sick. She was not “thriving.” She wasn’t meeting the physical developments expected of her at six months. However, once she was “thriving” I never told another parent, “Oh, that Lulu, she is finally thriving.”
What makes up a “thriving” deaf child?
I mean, realistically, shouldn’t all deaf children be thriving. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them medically. They are not sick. If they are given early access to language, appropriate early interventions and genuine love and support, they will develop just like a typical peer. However, we allow medical professionals to convince us that our child is somehow broken. That they are not the same as their hearing peers and therefore need crazy amounts of intervention which some how leads parents into interpreting that as their child is or is not thriving based on how the compare to a typical peer.
So what happens to the child who doesn’t “thrive?” What happens when their hearing aids or cochlear implants don’t work the way we hoped they would? What happens when their mainstream classroom becomes a struggle? What happens when their “hearing” life is filled with isolation and tears? How does the child that was previously “thriving” now get labeled?
Are they failures?
How can we set up a system that describes a deaf child’s successful development with more fluidity? Is a thriving deaf child only one who can speak clearly and participate in educational settings without an interpreter? Is that the “ideal” situation that todays parents are striving for? Is anything less than that considered unsuccessful? Is anything else considered failure?
Here are some ways that I will consider my deaf child successful in his future:
- Is he genuinely happy?
- Does he have full participation in his family life? Can he communicate with mom and dad equally? Is he included in all family discussions? Does his siblings enjoy spending time with him?
- Does he feel included in his school setting? Does he have friends that enjoy him and include him in sleepovers and birthdays? Can he play with whomever he chooses? Are the other kids eager to play with him?
- Does he understand why everyone in the family gets excited when they see Grandma’s biscuit bowl? Or why Aunt Susie’s secret recipe potatoes salad is only made for the 4th of July?
- Is he free to participate in extra curricular activities of his choosing? Is he an equal on those teams?
- Does he have confidence in his own identity and future? Does he truly believe that he can succeed at whatever he chooses?
- Does he have bodily autonomy? Is comfortable discussing with us his preferences and desires over his hearing loss?
- Does he feel free and safe to communicate in whatever method he is most comfortable with and feels is the most clear for him?
So for now, can we, the parents of deaf children call a cease and desist on the use of the word thrive? Can we just enjoy and praise our children just as we would their hearing siblings? Can we attempt to adjust our views of them as “less than” and embrace and identify their unique strengths. Can we celebrate their firsts and lasts without it being about how they compare to their hearing sibling or neighbor?
Let’s take the word thrive out of our vocabulary once and for all. Instead let’s just talk about our kids and their awesomeness. Because even though they are different than we expected, they are not destined to be less than we had always dreamed.
Melanie, I love your list! I think the only time I’ve used the word “thrive” in reference to my kids was to describe them being really engaged and growing at something. As in, “She is really thriving in horseback riding lessons! She has found her passion.” Thriving is describing my child flourishing in a certain environment. I can see how frustrating it would be to have it constantly used in the context you described. I adore photos of your son and his huge grin!
Mindy recently posted…Eczema Company Manuka Honey Skin Cream & SmartKlean Laundry Ball Review
I absolutely agree that it is perfect for the success in a passion or joy and have and will use it in that capacity myself. I think you are spot on for those particular environmental situations.
By definition, there is “something wrong with them medically” or they wouldn’t be deaf/hard-of-hearing. A major sensory system is dysfunctional as the result of a genetic mutation, illness, injury, reaction to a medication like chemotherapy or antibiotics, etc. They may not be sick but they do have a medical condition.
I pray every day for the doctors to find a way to restore my daughter’s hearing so that she will have one less obstacle to a successful life. Can she be successful even with her disability? Possibly. But her odds are better if her hearing loss gets cured.
Thank you for taking the time to post. I appreciate all people’s perspectives and opinions. I don’t view my son’s deafness as a dysfunction or a condition. My daughter’s green eyes are a mutation and my son’s deafness is a genetic trait (like being tall or short, blond or brunette). I understand your view of your child’s “loss” but I have had the joy and privilege to spend 20+ years working with amazing Deaf people and attending Gallaudet myself.
I by no means don’t think that being Deaf is always easy, but neither is being a woman, or a black person, or of a different ethnic group. The goal for me is to teach my child resiliance so that he is capable of being who he is.
I do hope you will come back to my blog again. I would love to be able to learn more about you child.
Maybe you’ve only heard the term in a limited context? I hear the term used with great pleasure — with children in general, not just deaf kids. I’ve used the term to describe my own daughter’s development in this country, her strong grasp of ASL as a first language and then again when she began learning English, her rapid growth, both academic and social, at a new school. I’ve heard my pediatrician say our daughter seems to be thriving on a vegetarian diet. What’s wrong with saying that a child is blossoming, flourishing in a particular environment? “Thrive” does not = less than and is not tied to a particular approach. It means to blossom, flourish, bloom, grow well. That’s a wonderful thing to see in a child.
I absolutely agree with you in that the term is used in other contexts and by all means, that doesn’t bother me. It sounds like in your case, your daughter came from someplace else, had to “catch up” was thriving here in her new environment. I love that! I will probably use it myself when we complete our adoption. This post, is more about how I see parents use the word to challenge, argue and compete against other parents. It is used in the “my approach is better than” your approach. I see it and hear it all the time in this community and normally from parents who choose a more oral/hearing based plan for their children.
I do hope you will come back and visit again. I love when people share their opinions on these various topics with me. Thanks for taking the time to comment.