Mother’s Day, Both Bitter & Sweet

This mother’s day has been so deeply contradictory. It has been both amazingly joyful and breathtakingly sad. I have struggled with missing my mother and and simultaneously celebrating being a mom. Missing a daughter I have not yet met and praying for a mother that gave the ultimate sacrifice for her child. It’s like a tornado of feelings all stirred up in one chaotic mess.

The Bitter.

I miss my mom. I sold her house this week. I had never lived in it but of course, all of my childhood memories had been kept there and there were memories of her with the grandchildren she never got to see grow up. It is another chapter closed but definitely stirred up all the feelings of her being gone. She loved her house so much, she had little grape bushes in the back yard, she had a deck she loved to use for dancing. When I close my eyes, it is where I remember her.

I long for my daughter in China. We have come so far yet are still so far away. I think about the difficult choice her mother made to put her down and walk away from her that March day. I wonder what the weather was like. I wonder if she looked back at those big brown eyes. I am thankful that God is bringing her into our lives but I am also broken knowing how much this child was loved.

I still struggle with infertility trauma. Wounds that three beautiful children do not heal. I miss my children in heaven and I hurt for women who still walk that broken road. I cry for those families that do not feel complete.

The Sweet.

My children. They are wild, crazy and deeply emotional. They love fiercely and brighten everyday. I do not take for granted the gifts that each one of them blesses me with daily. Their smiles, their hugs and their snuggles fill my love bank up daily.

My husband. He is amazing. I can be pretty difficult at times but he loves me unconditionally. He supports my passions. He spent time taking care of the kids and me this weekend and for that I am very grateful.

My family & friends. So much loved was shared my way today. Friends with kids, friends without. Family that took time to tell me that I am loved and appreciated. I am so thankful for each and everyone of them.

Sometimes it is hard to see the rainbow through the clouds.

I pray that each of  you have an amazing day of love and celebration. Embrace the time you have. Embrace the bitter and the sweet. Shape your tomorrow into something to be remembered.

Happy Mother’s Day.